Paul's Ramblings...

prophet625 @ 2005-12-31T17:03:00

2005-12-31T23:09:16Z

Thanks to Buck rabidconduit choosing me to fill this out, I present the following -

Write down 5 quirky habits

1. I come up with new wrestling maneuvers when bored.
2. I randomly whip out kung fu moves when the mood strikes me.
3. I buy lettuce to make a salad and never get around to making it.
4. I remember half the crap I and my friends talk about and transcribe them onto myspace's blog's Words of Wisdom series.
5. I can rate a movie based on it's manly beard factor. For example, The Devil's Rejects was a four star manly-beard movie.

I Shall Unleash the Dogs of War

2005-12-11T21:06:53Z

What Planet Are You From?

this quiz was made by The Autist Formerly Known As Tim

The most common thought in my empty head

2005-12-11T09:05:26Z

"Whosajiggawha?"

I knew it

2005-12-05T23:23:38Z

I would just like to send a hearty "Fuck you, motherfuckers" to my HMO in TN. That is all.

I eat some weird stuff sometimes

2005-12-03T20:16:20Z

Case in point, my lunch today - A bagel with tomatoes, tuna, hotsauce, and feta cheese. It's basically my generic lunch when I'm on my gym schedule (which I'm not on right now because my back isn't being cooperative on moving in general, much less my cardio, and I can't do weights because of my arm). Protein and carbs, yo, protein and carbs (and I think it actually tastes pretty good to boot).

Useless history at its finest.

2005-12-03T17:43:57Z

http://www.411mania.com/wrestling/columns/article.php?columns_id=4223

The only reason I link this is because I remember trying to explain the history of the Big Gold Belt (the version of the NWA World Heavyweight Championship created in the 80's) to Dan during Spring Break a few years ago. I remember his confusion over how complicated it was, as well as the general glazed over look in his eyes over how much he did not give a shit.

The same glazed look in your eyes right now, I'm sure.

Insomniac Poet's Corner

2005-12-02T09:29:45Z

In my inability to sleep, even while inappropriately shitfaced, I decided to pick up some things in my room (yes, I am a jackass for cleaning at 3AM...shut the fuck up). In short, I finally found my freakin' copy of the literary publication that the Pierre Laclede Honors College (of which I was a member during my time at UMSL) put out last year. I had two poems in it, so I thought I'd put them on here for lack of anything better to do.
*Note* - as with all my work, I'm still revising things, although these are two of my more polished and closer to being done (as well as older) poems I have.

Southern Fried

I want to sit at the old table again,
where the wood is worn smooth
from the comforts I once took there.
They never changed -
The glasses of cold milk
offsetting the steaming fried corn,
the grease mingling with the rolling hills
of bacon-laced pinto beans.
Their light gray skin
mixing with the dark gray meat
of skillet-fried tenderloin;
they were best when buried
inside the softly thick biscuits
that I begged Mom to make
every time I came home again.
I am tired of eating memories.
-----------------------------------------

The Timid Man and His Crush

You are dangerous
to a man such as me.
I don't have the eloquence
to impress you.
I don't have the courage
to be blunt with you.
I'm multifaceted,
but my angles are all wrong.
You don't seem to understand
that the wrong embarrassed laugh,
the wrong word of gentle consolement,
the wrong look of indifference
can kill me so easily.

Well, slap my ass and call me Sally.

2005-12-01T16:35:40Z

Y'know, this workout thing makes me scratch my head in wonder sometimes. Case in point - Monday, the first time back to the gym (besides a few LBC sessions) in three weeks, I weighed in at 316.4. I didn't go Tuesday because my back was killing me, but I headed in Wednesday morning. I did an hour on th elliptical machine (working back up to the hour-fifteen). I then weighed myself before heading to the boxing room. I weighed in at 309. So, I lost 7.4 pounds in two days.

I must have been retaining water like a mofo. Hoo-rah.

Massive Cross Postings From Myspace - Part 1

2005-11-30T03:39:08Z

Greatest Hibachi Chef ~Ever~.

Pretty busy today, actually. I took Ma and Ethan to see Walk The Line. ~Awesome~ movie, seriously. If anyone wants to see it next week, let me know 'cause I'm so up for seeing it again.

Anyways, after that, the D-man and I went to Fuji Yama's, a great Japanese restaurant in Jackson (about 45 miles away from Selmer). Our hibachi chef was cool-as-shit. He loved him some fire, commented on the shotgun on Derrick's shirt, asked if we knew where a good firing range was, and talked about hunting and how three-wheelers are outlawed but people modify them into four-wheelers. He then asked what we did. He asked me if I was a mechanic (for reference's sake, I was wearing my workshirt, jeans, and workboots, so I did look like a mechanic). He was surprised when I told him I was a English grad student and taught at a university. We then talked about Oedipus Rex.

And, of course, we talked about this while he was making us some awesome fried rice and stuff.

So, from the SIU-C resident pseudo-gearhead, I say good times.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3 Rules to Live By

This is for Buck. Kick it, yo.

1. Never, *ever* wear white to a shootout...unless you're in a John Woo film. You'll still get shot, but you'll look all badass with the blood stained wounds as you take down the enemy.

2. Never, *ever* drop your gun in a shootout...unless you're in a John Woo film. You will eventually find a hand-cannon to take care of the enemy.

3. Never, *ever* aim if you're firing an Uzi in a shootout...especially if you're in a John Woo film. You can just Spray 'n' Pray as every burst from your gun takes down 40 of the enemy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's about damn time.

So, the 2006 inductees of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame were announced. Among the inductees are Lynyrd Skynyrd and Black Sabbath. It's about goddamn time that these two bands (two of my favorites, obviously) were put in.

Both are super-influential - the Allman Brothers may have come first, but Skynyrd is Southern Rock (at least when Ronnie Van Zant was alive). And anyone who has picked up an electric guitar in the last twenty-five years has been influenced in one way or another by Sabbath. Ozzy, Tommy, Geezer, and Bill changed the rock world with their sound, and, whether you like it are not, they (along with Led Zeppelin and Deep Purple) created Heavy Metal.

http://entertainment.tv.yahoo.com/entnews/ap/20051128/113320422000.html
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Essentials

I was reading a livejournal post earlier about essential albums that everyone should own or, at least, should listen to. That got me thinking.

And I decided to hold off on posting my official essential album list. Instead, I will begin posting my official essential movie list, broken down by genre. For sake of brevity, I'll stick to five films per genre. This is, of course, in my own personal opinion.

~Horror Films~

Halloween
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The Exorcist
Nosferatu (the original, silent version)
Night of the Living Dead

~Action Films (AKA Shit Done Blown Up Films...thanks Levi)~

Die Hard
Terminator 2
Predator
Raiders of the Lost Ark
The Killer

~Dramatic Films~

The Godfather Trilogy
Citizen Kane
Casablanca
Chinatown
Raging Bull

~Western Films~
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Once Upon a Time in the West
The Searchers
Unforgiven
The Outlaw Josey Wales

~Comedy Films~

Blues Brothers
Blazing Saddles
Young Frankenstein
Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (even though I like Meaning of Life just a bit more)

~Fantasy Films~

Conan the Barbarian
Princess Bride
Excalibur
Lord of the Rings Trilogy
King Kong (I decided to put Kong here, but is spans so many genres)

~Animated Films~

Snow White
Bambi
Akira
Any Looney Tunes Collection
Finding Nemo (the pinnacle of CGI, IMO)
Heavy Metal (yeah, it's super dated, but it shows that American animation doesn't have to be just for kids)

~Akira Kurosawa Films~ (he deserves his own section, dangit)

Seven Samurai
Yojimbo
Ikiru
Rashomon
Ran

~Sci-Fi Films~

2001: A Space Odyssey
The Star Wars Trilogy (original trilogy)
Brazil
Journey To The Moon (silent version)
Clockwork Orange (I guess this fits in Sci-fi)
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm getting too old for this shit

Between my fucked sleep schedule (mutha#^#%# insomnia), my fucked back (#$@#fucking spine), and general soreness (muthafucking @$##$@), I feel like I just got ran over by a freakin' (you thought I was going to say fuckin' didn'ya?) 18 wheeler followed by a marching band wearing cleats.

That should take care of the requisite bitching for today. We now return you back to our regularly scheduled program.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh no, there goes Hollywood-o! Go go, Romero!

Having thoroughly enjoyed Land of the Dead (coming out a day before my birthday, my trip to see the film was my birthday present to myself), I found this to be great news.

http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=21914

Sumbitch

2005-11-28T17:10:41Z

Well, got back to the gym today, finally. It feels good to get back on track, and I'm gonna try my damndest to get back on the ole diet. I weighed myself, and in the three weeks I've been slacking, I've gained 5 pounds (316.4 total for the record). Grrr. Now it's on like neckbone.

I'm a Junkie and proud of it

2005-11-24T07:48:13Z

Well, I tried to put this up last night, and my brother's freakin' AOL crapped up everything. So I've redone the first part of the following post.

Having seen Potter last night, I wish that someone would make well-made and caring adaptations of Stephen King's Dark Tower series. It's a tradition of Dark Tower Junkies to create cast lists for the books. Well, here's my list (in progress because I don't have the books handy right now, so I can't remember all the names and all the characters at the moment).

Dark Tower I - The Gunslinger
Directed by - Clint Eastwood - This is the most "Western" of the books, and it's the most poetic. I want Eastwood's knowing hand behind this one.

Score - Ennio Morricone - The king of film music composers, Morricone can do it all. I can definately see shades of his The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly score here. Runners up include Basil Poledouris (for his ability to do epic scores ~ see Conan The Barbarian) and Brian Tyler, master of the somber six-string ~see the moving guitar strums in Bubba Ho-Tep.

Roland Deschain, the last Gunslinger - Viggo Mortensen/Lance Henrickson - I love Lance Henrickson. I will watch him in anything (yes, even Alien vs. Predator). He has the gravitas and look to pull off the exhausted, driven Roland. Viggo, on the other hand, is a bit younger, but he has proven he can pull off the quiet intensity, intelligence, and action necessary for playing Roland. It's a toss up for me.

Brown - Eric Stoltz - Brown is described as having crazy eyes and long red hair, which sounds a lot like Stoltz from Pulp Fiction to me.

Allie - Marg Helgenberger - Allie is described as once being pretty, but the desert has sucked the life out of her. While I think Helgenberger is very attractive, I've always imagined her when I read about Allie.

Nort - Eli Wallach - Not a glorious role by any means, but I wanted to give props to the Man Formerly Known As Tuco.

Sheb - Steve Buscemi - You need a slimy little fuck? Buscemi has made a career out of playing them.

Sylvia Pittson - Kathy Bates - Pittson is big and crazy. Bates has already pulled that off in Misery.

Jake - Jeremy Sumpter - Sumpter was the blonde kid from Frailty. He's probably too old to play Jake now, but he has the acting chops, and blondeness, to pull off the twice-dead Jake.

Cort - Ed Harris - I've always found Harris menacing for some reason. While he usually plays quieter roles, I think Harris could easily play the loud, very violent Gunslinger instructor. Plus, after seeing his eye in A History of Violence, I wonder what David the Hawk would do to him in this movie.

Steven Deschain - Clint Eastwood - Well, Eastwood is the quientessential Western anti-hero and direct inspiration for Roland. Sadly, Eastwood's too old for the hardships of playing Roland, but that doesn't mean he couldn't play his father.

Gabrielle Deschain - Miranda Otto - I find Otto to be a very good actress and a very entrancing beauty. I think her performance could add a lot of emotion and power to the tragic story of Roland's mother.

Marten - Gary Oldman - When not hamming it up (Lost In Space, I'm looking at you), Oldman is one of the greatest actors specializing in villainry to come around in the past 15 years. I think he'd be entrancing enough as Marten to easily seduce Roland's mother.

Hax - Tom Hanks - Little more than a cameo role really, Hax is a loveable character whose betrayal of the Gunslingers shocks the young Roland. So I went with the quintessential good-guy actor.

Farson - Sean Bean - I think the closest we ever actually see Farson is in a Roland's flashback to the Battle of Jericho Hill, and I'm not even sure of that. I just wanted to work Sean Bean in somewhere.

Young Roland - Matt O'Leary - The dark haired kid from Frailty, O'Leary is a child actor who has impressed me, and I think he would do well as our young hero.

Young Cuthbert - Tyler Hoechlin - The kid from Road to Perdition, Hoechlin is another fine child actor (and trust me, there ain't a whole lot out there). His role in Perdition was a soft-spoken one, but I think he could pull off the dangerous jokester that is Roland's best friend.

Young Alain - Rory Culkin - Alain, the slow-to-anger and very loyal third member of the young trio of Gunslinger 'prentices, would be well played by the young Culkin. At least, I think so.

Speaking Ring Oracle - Monica Belluci - The Oracle is a seductress, and I don't think Belluci would have any problem seducing anyone.

Adult (18 yr. old) Cuthbert - Jake Gyllenhal - Again, basically a cameo appearance, since the "adult" Cuthbert really only appears during the Jericho Hill flashbacks, but Gyllenhal can pull of the fun-loving side and deadly serious side of Cuthbert.

Adult (18 yr. old) Alain - Lucas Black - Same situation as the "adult" Cuthbert, I want Black to play this role because I always saw Black playing the young Alain. He's since gotten too old, but he still puts in great performances, like Friday Night Lights and Jarhead.

Walter/RF - Kurt Russel - When I was writing this out, I was racking my brain for two reasons - Who would make a good Walter, and how could I get Kurt Russel, one of my favorite actors, into the film. Then I realized that Russel could pull off Walter. Russel has the drama chops (see Breakdown and Dark Blue), the action/suspence (The Thing), Western (Tombstone), and sarcastic humor/egotism (Big Trouble In Little China and, again, Dark Blue).

Dark Tower II - Drawing of the Three

Eddie Dean - Jason Lee - Cynical, sarcastic, and often hilarious, Eddie is a role made for Lee, who would have no problem dealing with the dramatic aspects of the troubled Eddie.

Henry Dean - Guy Pierce - Pierce always looks like a heroin junkie to me, mainly because he was so skinny in Memento. He's got the look to play the Great Sage and Imminent Junkie.

Jack Andolini - Henry Rollins - Rollins doesn't really fit the "Ole Double Ugly" physical description of Andolini, but Rollins is big and intelligent, just like Andolini.

Balazar - Harvey Keitel - Balazar is described as a second generation Sicilian who doesn't look Sicilian at all. Keitel can easily do the the quiet menace and power of the mob boss Balazar.

Odetta/Detta/Susannah Dean - Regina King - King's great turn in Ray convinced me that she has the skill to pull off the multiple personalities of the Lady of the Shadows.

Mr. Holmes - Morgan Freeman - A kindly older man with strength and wisdom? Sounds like Freeman to me.

Jack Mort - Keifer Sutherland - I think a cross between Sutherland's roles in The Lost Boys and Dark City could lead to a great protrayal of the Pusher.

Potterfication and ~KONG~

2005-11-23T05:49:53Z

(Crossposted)

I picked up Ethan early from school and visited George, my old journalism advisor and general mentor from high school. He was doing pretty well, and I have to see him again during Christmas for dinner and beers.

Then Ethan and I went to see Harry Potter. I liked it pretty well, and that's coming from a non-Harry Potter fanatic. The pace of movie was pretty even and didn't drag on like the second film (I've never seen the first one). And, as every one predicted, I like the darker tone and elements. I think the only gripe I have is that I'm constantly trying to guess who's going to betray Harry in the end. It's not difficult to do, and it's happened in every film I've seen so far.

But, I love any movie that gives Brendan Gleeson and Warwick Davis work and lets Alan Rickman be snotty and creepy at the same time. And according to rumor (thanks, imdb.com) Rowan Atkinson was considered for a role. The world needs more Rowan Atkinson, especially in evil "Black Adder" mode.

"I have a cunning plan." ... "Oh, damn."

I also picked up the new 1933 King Kong DVD (shocking, I know). I haven't rewatched the actual film yet (saving that so I can watch it with Ma), but I did watch the documentary on Kong that Peter Jackson put together for the DVD. I've been basking in the glory of other fans giving one of the greatest and most influential films its due. Rock on.

You don't fuck with the Kong.

Now, if I could only get my hands on Ran. I'll order it off Amazon when I get back. I would order it now, but, of course, I'm in heathen-country right now.

I think I might watch some Looney Tunes before bed. And, at some point, I will have to actually get some work in. Let's see...tomorrow I visit my dad. Thursday is Thanksgiving. Friday, I'm taking Ma and Ethan to Walk The Line, and Saturday I'm probably hanging with Derrick. Oh yeah, plenty of time for work in that schedule, heh.

Ikiru

2005-11-22T20:12:54Z

I just finished Ikiru (To Live), the new Akira Kurosawa film I just got on DVD. Wow. Simply amazing. It's depressing, uplifting, pessimistic, optimistic all in one. It is the glorious story of a dying man finding the art of living through existing, acting, and doing what needs to be done.

I'm also really digging Takashi Shimura as an actor. He played the main character in Ikiru, and he was also the Woodcutter in Rashomon and Kambei, the lead samurai in The Seven Samurai . He has more minor roles in several other Kurosawa films like Yojimbo and Kagemusha. I've praised Toshiro Mifune before for being such a physically gifted actor with a wide range of emotions. Shimura, on the other hand, is the master of the quiet, stoic man who lives with honor, dignity, and great expressive eyes. Shimura died in 1982, and I selfishly wish he had lived long enough to be in Kurosawa's 1985 King Lear adaptation, Ran. I think Shimura would have been excellent as Lord Hidetora, the Lear character. Actually, I'd've (hey, a new word invented by yours truly) loved to see Mifune as Hidetora, especially after Hideotra loses his mind. It's too bad that Mifune refused to work with Kurosawa after the fights they had during Red Beard (another Kurosawa film I've yet to see).

This has been your Kurosawa lesson for today. I'm hittin' the hay.

One of the reasons I love being from the South (note the sarcasm)

2005-11-21T21:16:42Z

(crossposted from myspace)

I'm, of course, talking about the racism and stereotyping inherent in Southern culture. As an example, I give you a story that Derrick was telling me and Jon-Jon yesterday.

Derrick was watching Channel 3 News, a station that comes out of Memphis. They had a report that Southern African Americans were the race mostly likely to become obese. The reason? According to report, it's because African-Americans eat foods high in fat, like fried chicken, collared greens cooked in bacon fat, and buttered rolls.

I wonder why they didn't throw in watermelon just to really be dicks?

And, apparently, an African American nutritionist came on and attributed the food habits to the time of slavery, when slaves ate this food and then worked it off in the fields. That comment reminds me of the shit-storm from the 80's when sportscaster Vinnie the Greek made comments about black athletes being so good because slave owners bred bigger, stronger male slaves. Of course, Vinnie the Greek got roasted alive. We get this shit on the 10 o'clock news. Jeebus.

Jon-Jon, rightly, pointed out that fried chicken and etc. isn't black food. It's Southern soul food. Everyone eats like that down here. Hell, I love telling my friends about the great Southern staple - the catfish fry. *Everything* is deep fried except the cole-slaw, and we've got scientists in UT-Knoxville and Memphis trying to figure out how to do that.

Sadly, the South will never be free of racism or the assholes who keep it alive because they believe shit like "The South will rise again." Get over yourselves, motherfuckers. I've noticed, though, that, for the most part, the racism here is more laid back. Everyone knows about it and has lived with it for so long that it's a part of life. Not that that is right, of course. But, I've seen more obvious and harsh examples of racism in the North.

I'll never forget what Erma told me during my freshman year at UMSL. Erma was my boss at the Honors College when I worked in the office. Erma was African American, funny, and cool-as-shit. I mentioned that I was from Tennessee and she said, "I knew you were from the South."

I said, "How'd you know that. I don't have much of an accent."

Erma said, "You've always been real comfortable coming in and talking with me. Some people aren't like that, especially up here."

That always made me think. Since then, I've been more observant of how races interact. Yesterday, walking into the Chinese buffet for lunch, we got a few looks because we were three white guys (me, Derrick, and my brother Ethan) and a black guy (Jon-Jon). Some of them weren't used to seeing that, I'm sure.

It probably didn't help that we had almost every stereotype covered. You had me, in my workshirt and workboots looking like a pissed off honky mechanic. Derrick had his videogame shirt and hat on, so he was nerding it up. Jon-Jon's a big guy (a little shorter than me and probably the same weight, if not a little more), so a few people probably saw a big angry black dude. And Ethan, the red-headed demon/high school student trying to be too cool for school. We were the most rag-tag, ill formed gang ~evah~.

The Secret to my Success

2005-11-21T21:15:07Z

crossposted from myspace

In case anyone hasn't noticed, I can solve just about any problem with the following things -

1. A bottle of Jack Daniels

2. Duct Tape

3. A blowtorch

On that note, I do believe I shall try to actually go to sleep. Truthfully, I'll probably just lay in bed for a few hours mind goes all deadbeat dad on my and says "I'm going to the store for some cigarettes. See ya."

My addictions - Parts 1 and 2

2005-11-21T21:13:55Z

crossposted, yadda yadda

DVD -
Yeah, between the inappropriate comments tonight, I picked up Ikiru, an Akira Kurosawa film that I've been coveting for a while. It looks like a really good film about a pencil pusher dying of cancer. I am slowly, but surely, filling out my Kurosawa collection. I'm drooling for the Criterion Collection edition of Ran coming out next month.

I also picked up a Halloween shirt. It's probably bad that one of my role models is the embodiment of pure evil, but it's Michael Fuckin' Myers. C'mon. Not only is he the baddest of the bad, he's got a great (but sick) sense of humor. Look no further than the scene in the first film where he puts on a sheet and a victim's pair of glasses to get to Ms. Totally (Linda). That's some funny shit.

Now it's off to a quick set with some weights. Hoo-rah.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Weights -
Actually, I meant I have an addiction to lifting weights, even at times when I should be going to bed. My shoulders and neck are going to be sore tomorrow, but they're always sore. At least this way, they're sore for a good reason. Fell the burn, baby.

I only wish I could figure out a way to do a lot of cardio without jacking my knees up. There's the punching bag, which I will use, but there's no elliptical machines around to really burn off some calories. I also forgot my sneakers, and it'd look REALLY weird if I went jogging (what little jogging I can do) with my workboots on. Just call me Major Malfunction, maggot.

Yes, I have a boredom problem too. Hence the extreme (EXTREME!) posts tonight. It's either this or the Mecca Mart or popping in a DVD. Hmm, DVD.

Words of Wisdom - Parts 1 and 2 (the REALLY inappropriate edition)

2005-11-21T21:12:00Z

(crossposted from myspace)

Part 1 ~
To Meyerhofer - Hey, I'm a pretty helpful guy. Mr. Helper, that's me. I'm like a helper orangutan that's been shaved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 2 ~

One of the nice things about being home is being able to hang out with my buddy Derrick. Derrick, much like me, is a foul-mouthed little fucker. Put us together, with help from our friend Jon-Jon, and we can come up with some really wrong shit.

Fortunately, I recorded the true gems on my cell-phone, which is about all it's good for while in roaming down here. I hereby rename Sprint to Sprunt. Fucking Sprunt service.

So, words of wisdom from us ~

Me - I wonder if an undead dude could get a hard-on.

Derrick - I tell you, it was the best man on man rape scene I've ever seen.
Me - What?
Derrick - I meant the funniest, motherfucker.
Me - Right, fucker.

Derrick - Jon-Jon fucked one of my ex-girlfriends, and then, years later, I fucked her again. I got my own sloppy seconds.
Jon-Jon - Damn right.

Me - If you're named Bubba you got to be either be badass or, well, die.
Derrick - What's that about?
Me - Well, you ever known anyone named Bubba that's not a badass?
Derrick - Uh, no.

Derrick - Damn.
Me - The car or the chick's ass?
Derrick - The chick's ass.

Me (recording on the phone) - Okay, as the semi pulls out in front of us because he's a dumbass redneck hick motherfucker chicken fucking sheep banging motherfucker...
Derrick - Let me do the cursing.
Me - Shut up, motherfucker.
Derrick - Fuck you
Me - Fuck you. Yeah, as Derrick says as we pass the chick and her ass, "The only thing that would look better if my balls were on her" ...wait, what did you say?
Derrick - If my balls were on her chin.
Me - If his balls were on her chin. God, we're foulmouthed motherfuckers and we're going to hell.

Derrick - Fucked her didn't he? Fucked her with a vibrator up his ass.
Me (recording what he just said) - Oh, god, why did I write this down, or says this. God. Unh.

Me (recording) - To quote the great sage and imminent dumbass Derrick, "I don't want to see Harry Butthole Pussy Potter." No, you just want to see hairy buttholes and pussy, dumbass.
Derrick - I don't want to see hairy buttholes.
Me - Ah, Jesus. Anything to add, Derrick?
Derrick - No, that's about all. I'm eventually gonna learn to shut the fuck up.
Me - No he's not.

Me - Why do I keep torturing myself with this shit?
Derrick - If you keep recording this we'll have to own up to it.
Me - I want proof motherfucker. I want proof! Okay, for some reason I decided to say "I'd rather fuck a grill cheese than her, you'd get more out of the grilled cheese." And Derrick comes back with a witty, "Well, you could jack off on a piece of bologna." Break out some braunschwieger or livercheesein there. Get some provolone or a lot of mayonaisse. Or the special mayonaisse if you know what I mean.
Derrick - I think you can provide your own mayonaiise.
Me - An astute compo...what the fuck was I gonna say? Shut up, motherfucker.
Derrick - Fuck off
Me - You fuck off.

Me - Jesus. To quote Buzz Fuckin' Bunny, "I fucked your mom with a razor dildo because I'm EXTREME!!!"
Derrick - "EXTREME!"
Jon-Jon (who happens to black and proud of it) - White Power!

Me - Okay, the great sage and imminent Derrick said, "Up north they gotta get roofies to get women, down here in the South we just got stronger alcohol. Pass the moonshine and mason jar."

Tennessee Two-Step

2005-11-21T21:07:58Z

(Cross posted from myspace)

I got home (the TN version, not the Murphysboro version) around five o'clock last night. I made pretty good time, except, because of general lack of sleep the night before and boredom, I got lost in Martin, TN. I actually got to see parts of University of Tennessee - Martain, and, *man*, I'm glad I didn't go to undergrad there.

Y'know, between getting lost coming back from Fred's Drunken Dance Barn, not being able to find Amy's house even though I'd been there an hour and a half earlier, and this Martin thing, I'm not doing so hot on the driving around bit. Maybe the streets of Carbondale are safer now that I and my fuzzy memory are gone, heh.

So, now I'm chilling at the house, and I've been spending time with my mom and brother (good times), as well as my uncle and cousin (not so good, but there's nothing I can do about it). I've been home for less than 24 hours and I can already feel how differently time moves down here. It's so much slooooooooooower. Which can be good, if you need to do work, and bad, if you want to do anything else.

I grew up here, so I know how freakin' boring it gets. Most businesses close at 5, and what's left open closes at 9. This town dies at 9, and if you don't like going to the Mecca-Mart (my pet name for Wal-Mart because it is the Mecca of all things in Selmer) at odd hours of the night, you're fucked. It's also a dry county, so no resturants serve beer, you can't buy hard liquor anywhere, and the only bars around are the hardcore shit-kicker variety where barfights are the main source of entertainment (hmmm, maybe I should pay a visit...) My Carbondale peeps are thinking I live in barbarian country right about now.

Well, it's a good thing I brought plenty of work (damn you, seminar papers, damn you straight ta hell!) and plenty of DVD's. Maybe I can make a dent in my backlog.

And, of course, when the boredom sets in, I can post really rambling entries on here. If you've actually gotten this far, you've just experienced one. Congratulations, you've won that warm, fuzzy feeling of fruitless achievement. *Thumbs up*

Eh, you know I luvs y'all. In a *strictly* platonic, non-threatening heterosexual way.

I've lost my mind, Parts 1 and 2

2005-11-21T21:06:33Z

(Cross posted from my myspace.com page ~ http://www.myspace.com/prophet625 )
Part 1 ~
My impression of a Dragon Ball Z episode ~

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am indestructible. I will get my ass whipped and then come back and whip your ass! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

I am total evil! I can blow up a planet with one shot from my pinky but I will now battle you with martial arts prowess so you have a shot at winning! ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH!

PICALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I was once total evil, but now I fight on the side of good! Don't fuck with me though cause I'll still mess you up! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

KAMEHAMEHA! (X32)

AH, A GIANT MONKEY!

I too was once evil, but will fight along side the man I hate so I can sell merchandise! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

My hair will now turn gold and I will be a total badass! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Oh yeah? My hair will turn even golder and electricity shall shoot out of my ass, I will be even more badass. AHHHHAHHHHHHHHHH!

Oh, oh, yeah? My hair will grow down to my ass, turn even more golder, and I will be so powerful I can destroy entire dimensions. UHHHHHHHHHH!

Fuck that, I will turn into a GIANT GOLDEN MONKEY (of doom), and turn back into myself, only covered with red fur and have a tail. UHHHHHHHH, CAN'T TOUCH THIS.

Dude, I can't top that. Unless, of course, we combine into one awesomely supreme being. Even though I hate you and wish you dead. GRRRRRRR.

~Rinse, repeat for about 300 episodes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 2 ~
My impression of the perfect Pokemon episode ~

Pika-BLAM! BLAM! BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM! Click. Click. Click....

Time to reload.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Eh, let's switch over to the M-60. RATTARATTARATTARATTARATTARATTARATTA.

Okay, I think it's dead. Oh, wait, napalm!

SPLAT! CRACKLE! POP!.

*Takes a piss on the scorched earth* Pika that, bitch.

One last update...

2005-11-19T18:05:10Z

...before heading to Dixie.

After knocking myself loopy by braining myself on a support beam in the basement, I thought I'd throw out some of my favorite songs to groove to in the car. I've been uploading stuff into my MP3 player to listen to during the trip.

1. Stranglehold (Ted Nugent) - As much as I don't care for the lyrics, the guitar groove gets me to zone out in a good way.

2. Whipping Post (Allman Brothers Band) - One of the finest Souther Rock/Blues songs ever recorded, it's great to (badly) sing along to.

3. Sympathy for the Devil (Rolling Stones) - C'mon, it's my theme song. And it has one of the greatest guitar solos ever. And almost every single lyric is a classic.

4. Oh My Lord (Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds) - I just love singing along to this one. It's really depressing.

5. Call Me the Breeze (Lynyrd Skynyrd) - A. It's Skynyrd. B. It's such a great honky-tonking, rockin' and rollin' song. I'm a honky who loves him some honky-tonk, baby.

General update before I'm exiled.

2005-11-19T04:53:51Z

Got my major projects done. Hoo-fucking-rah.
Got some new DVD's, which means I'm taking even more with me to Tennessee tomorrow. I'll be one hard-working, DVD watching mofo this Thanksgiving.

Thomas, a friend from the Law School, had a surprise birthday party at El Bajio last night, so Chris and I went to that. It was pretty fun. Stasia, Thomas's girlfriend, actually complemented me on the beard, and Thomas was like, "Dude, you've lost a lot of weight." I knew there was a reason I liked these people, heh. Actually, they are pretty coolsville in general.

Today was school, haircut, and Mike's poetry reading. There was supposed to be a viewing of Harry Potter, but that apparently fell through for some reason. I would be annoyed about it (there was a lack of communication somewhere, I think, so I don't blame anyone, but I usually don't like it when something falls through...that's why I stopped planning shit a long time ago, heh), but general apathy and exhaustion has taken me beyond the point of caring about most things. I had the choice of either seeing Walk the Line or heading out with friends. So, I went out with friends (I'll see Walk the Line with my brother...as well has Harry Potter). General fun and inappropriate comments were the order of the day. Everybody was tired though, so we broke early to go home. I stopped at the Cellar for a few drinks to keep the tradition alive.

Now I'm home, I'm going to watch Devil's Rejects and pack a little bit for the trip home to TN tomorrow. Hopefully I can relax, chill, put things in perspective, recharge, and come back the true be all and end all that I am.
----------------------------------------------------------------
You'll see him in your nightmares,
you'll see him in your dreams
He'll appear out of nowhere but
he ain't what he seems
You'll see him in your head,
on the TV screen
And hey buddy, I'm warning
you to turn it off
He's a ghost, he's a god,
he's a man, he's a guru
You're one microscopic cog
in his catastrophic plan
Designed and directed by
his red right hand

Fun times, fun times

2005-11-15T20:10:09Z

Weekends from hell suck.

Generally tired and moody from my body telling me to crash a few days earlier ~ check.
Not being able to go to the gym because of said crash and problems with my shoulder/neck ~ check.
Fucked sleeping schedule because of weather changes ~ check.
Not really enjoying myself while out trying to have fun ~ check.
Two really big projects due this week that I need to crack down on ~ check.
Not being able to find a poetry collection that had some of my work in it ~ check.
General writers block on my poetry anyway ~ check.
Fun conversations with my mom about painkillers and sickness ~ check.
Losing control of my temper and the resulting damage that that causes ~ check.
Feeling like I'm not as intelligent as I should be ~ check.
Realizing what I did with Nick Cave and the Bad Seed's Greatest Hits CD and how I'm never getting it back ~ check.
Having my inherant masculinity (there's a phrase I haven't used in a while) take a swift kick in the balls ~ check.
Realizing I like to watch some really fucked up movies ~ I already knew that, but check.
Fielding questions that I don't want to be asked ~ check.
Not having conversastions that I want to have ~ check.
Fred's Fucking Dance Barn ~ check.
Getting lost coming back from Fred's Fucking Dance Barn ~ ch...actually, that was pretty funny.
Finding out Eddie Guerrero died ~ check.
Not being able to go full steam on the heavy bag because of exhaustion and not wanting to tap into my aggressive side ~ check.
Tapping into that agressive side anyway and losing control of my temper again ~ check.
Reaching a point of loopiness and then numbness through physical and emotional exhaustion when I should be reaching a point of zen through contemplation ~ check.
Reaching a point of numbness in my arm because I aggravated the nerve problem in my elbow ~ check.
Worrying about money issues ~ check.
Killing something in my head that's been bothering me for a long time ~ check (but a needed check).
Getting a parking ticket while trying to set up an appointment with the tattoo artist ~ check.
Going into exile to get things done ~ check (again, a needed check).
Tearing up while watching the Eddie Guerrero Tributes ~ (a manly) check
Getting caught in the rain last night and getting a hell of a headcold ~ check.

But now the weekend is over. I'll get the work done. I'll got to a party, I'll go to Mike's poetry reading, and then I'll go to see the new Johnny Cash movie. Then I'll exile myself to Tennessee for a week and come back the true be all and end all, ya'll.

Yes, that's my new catchphrase. Get over it.

Another One Gone

2005-11-13T20:34:54Z

Eddie Guerrero, one the most gifted, charismatic pro-wrestlers to ever be in the business, was found dead in his hotel room this morning. I hope that it is not due to a drug overdose because Eddie's triumph over his past drug addictions was one of his greatest achievements.

Eddie was always a wrestler that I loved to watch. I appreciated his love for the business and his joy for performing. One of my favorite moments in wrestling history will always be Guerrero, as WWE Champion, and Chris Benoit, as World Heavyweight Champion, standing in the ring together, celebrating as Wrestlemania XX came to a close.

~Eddie Guerrero~
1967-2005

Words of Wisdom

2005-11-13T07:55:07Z

Me - I have been to shit-kicker heaven. (I just wish I had some spurs)

Me - Fred's Dance Barn has killed my inner soul.

Me - I will pay this band to not play any more Skynyrd.

(Drunk) Meyerhoffer - Take a right.

Me - I don't think this is the right way. And I think that this is how Deliverance started.

Meyerhoffer - Night of the Living Dead.
Me - They're coming to get you, Meyerhoffer.

Me - We're going to end up in Tiajuana.
Meyerhoffer - That's okay, I got my check card.

Me - Okay, we're driving through a trailer park. You think they'd find us if we called them and told them we were driving through a trailer park?

Meyerhoffer - Dude, dead end...Hey, the Church of God. I want to piss on the Church of God.
Me - Want me to pull over?

Me - Oh, oh, yeah, gas stations. Lookit that. Who da man? Neither one of us, but who da man?

Meyerhoffer - Yeah, we had to stop a fight between a pregnant deer and a sasquatch. We stopped that fight good.

The Confessional Ramblings of an Insomniac.

2005-11-12T11:27:54Z

Not being able to sleep, I come up with things to fill my time. Like writing about myself. Shocking, I know. So I thought I'd write some things out that not a whole lot of people know about me or things that have been on my mind lately.

There are some personal things here, so if that would make you uncomfortable, don't fucking read this stuff. I'm not responsible for nightmares, after all.

1. I have many nicknames - Flux Capacitor, Dr. Fabulous, Grill Master Fabulous, Big Paul, The Wall, P., P-Fab, Evil Amish Paul, That Bastard.
2 Although I rarely lose control of it, my temper frightens me because I am capabale of violent outbursts.
3. I used to shock myself with a tazer.
4. I actually find pain to be cathartic and/or a useful tool to keep myself focused.
5. I live in a constant amount of pain because of my knees/back/neck.
6. I get screwed sometimes for being too nice, which sometimes makes me, deep down, wish I could be a complete asshole.
7. I have a thing for red headed women.
8. One of the high points of my life was the release of the last book in Stephen King's Dark Tower series.
9. For someone usually well-adjusted, I've let drama mess with my emotional balance.
10. I have come close to becoming addicted to pain-killers.
11. Most of my old friends were so disfunctional that they depended on me to make things better for them.
12. I like for my friends to depend on me.
13. I have let my caring of and loyalty to my friends lead me to some very bad decisions.
14. One of the low points in my life is having to talk someone out of suicide.
15. I have had the bad habit of getting too close to my female friends.
16. It takes too long for me to end destructive friendships and/or relationships.
17. I secretly want to get in a bar fight.
18. My good-guy image and ability to care for my friends makes me seem to want more serious relationships when I don't.
19. My self-deprecation stems from both my self-esteem issues and my ego-centric issues.
20. I hate being played.
21. I threatened to beat the shit out of one of my uncles after he threatened to burn down my mom's house.
22. I internalize a lot of my anger.
23. I use the gym and boxing to release that anger.
24. I have a thing for frail women.
25. I think I have the libido of two normal men.
26. I tend to review or invent wrestling moves in my head when I'm bored.
27. My ex-girlfriend was pretty kinky sometimes, which didn't bother me.
28. I'm nowhere near as vanilla as a lot of people think I am.
29. I have, on past occasions, hurt myself when I'm upset, so I won't hurt any one else.
30. I usually let my ex win arguments because I was tired of fighting, letting her have control.
31. Yet, in when it came to sex, I was the very dominant one.
32. I have 18 inch biceps, 13 inch forearms, a 17 inch neck, and 25 and 1/2 inch thighs (now if I can just get my biceps
equal to my thighs, heh).
33. I use humor to hide my emotions.
34. I hate being ignored.
35. I used to never expect to live past 30.
36. I've since upped that to 40.
37. I have a tendency to become the third wheel in relationships.
38. I also have a tendency to try to keep other people's relationships together when it's beyond time for them to end.
39. I worry about my bad memory a lot, especially because I have alzheimer's to look forward to.
40. I am the man.